


Shingeki No Puru

by Nimrochan



Category: Attack on Titan/Free!, Free!, Free!/Attack on Titan, Free!/Shingeki no Kyojin, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, Shingeki no Kyojin/Free!
Genre: Crossover, Gen, Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-25
Updated: 2014-11-02
Packaged: 2018-02-22 14:32:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2511131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nimrochan/pseuds/Nimrochan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haruka Jaeger, like the rest of humanity, is forced to live the life of trapped prey as man-eating Titans roam the outside world. His dream is to one day kill all the Titans and swim all the waters of the world, including lava. He does not understand what lava is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. SIE SIND DAS ESSEN UND WIR SIND DIE JÄGER

**Author's Note:**

> Hello~  
> I wandered over here from FF.net because someone recommended AO3 to me

Haruka Jaegar was a boy of simple but unusual tastes.

He liked swimming, for one. He _really_ liked swimming.

He was born three months late, because he did not want to leave the womb. When he was two, he almost died when he jumped into the soup pot (thankfully, there had been a crippling shortage of firewood at the time and the soup was not hot enough to kill him). When he was three, his family was banned from the local church after a baptism incident. When he was four, he tried returning to the womb again. Any womb. Several lawsuits ensued.

At age six he was grounded for leaving the water hose running for several days. His reason? "I want to turn Shiganshina into a giant pool."

At age eight he was rescued from a well. Against his will.

His other taste was homicide. But we'll get to that later.

Now he was ten years old and dreaming wistfully about the outside world and all the virgin waters he had not swum in yet.

"Are you done gathering firewood?"

"Huh?" he was shaken from his pool dream by his doe-eyed adopted sibling, Mikasa.

She sighed. "Let me guess. You went swimming in the river instead."

"Yes."

"You're completely useless, Haruka."

"My mind is like a pool, Mikasa. Clear. Deep. Bleached. I don't expect you to understand."

Mikasa rolled her eyes, and then noticed something. "Why are you on the ground crying? Did you forget how to walk on land again?"

He did.

"Am I really crying?" He lifted a hand to his cheek. "Oh no! Mikasa! Help me find my tears!" He flipped over on all fours and began frantically digging through the dirt.

She sighed. "You always do this. You'll never recover water that's been seeped into the ground."

"Oh yeah, just like you never take off that scarf."

"Just like you never take off your swimsuit."

Haruka squinted.

* * *

 

Later that day, Haruka and Mikasa sat down to eat lunch in their quaint little house. Upon sitting down, Haruka deliberately upended his cup of water unto the table. Then he splashed his hands around the puddle for a few seconds before rubbing his face all over it. When he was done, he took Mikasa's cup of water and spilled it all over his chest and down his pants. This was a normal occurrence in the Jaeger household and no one questioned nor acknowledged it.

Haruka's father, Dr. Grisha Jaeger, was reading Wall Maria's popular newspaper, the _Wall Street Maria_ (featured article, "Man Thinks About Going Outside. Doesn't.") His wife, Carla Jaeger, stood cooking the usual fish stew. Despite the lack of seafood outside Wall Rose, Haruka refused to eat anything that did not swim. Carla had been forced to take on a day job cleaning bird poop off of Wall Maria to be able to afford it. It was a daunting and infinitely endless task, but at least it was steady work.

"Thank you for the firewood, children," said Dr. Jaeger during lunch. "How was your day?"

"Haruka wants to join the Survey Corps."

Carla dropped the ladle on the floor. " _What?_ "

"Ah dammit Mikasa, why'd you tell them?"

"You will absolutely not!" His mother was livid and nearly threw the ladle drawer open to get another ladle. "Do you have any idea how many people die on those missions?"

"I can't stay here my whole life!" shouted Haruka. "Not when there are other bodies of water I must experience!"

"I said no!"

Haruka slammed his fist on the table. "You might as well hang a net around my neck, Mom!"

"That's not how nets work!" Carla turned to her husband. "Talk some sense into him!"

"You want me to talk sense into a boy who thinks it's acceptable to swim in the drainage from factory down the street?"

" _To be fair_ ," interjected Haruka, "I wouldn't have done it if they didn't ban me from the community pool."

Carla rubbed the bridge of her nose. "You wouldn't have been banned if you didn't violently murder that boy."

"HE PEED IN THE POOL, MOM! _He peed in the pool!_ "

"Alright, that is my cue to leave." Dr. Jaeger got up. "Please try to behave, Haruka. I might let you see what's in the basement once I return."

"Really, Father?" Haruka's face lit up. "You'll let me flood the basement?"

Dr. Jaeger debated on whether or not he should respond. In the end, he left without another word.

* * *

It was a Tuesday afternoon. Haruka ran out of the house after the usual argument with his mother, Mikasa followed him out as usual, and also as usual they both had to save Armin from a group of bullies. Well, _Mikasa_ did. Haruka was as good as beating up bullies as he was at not swimming.

"Those guys were just jerks, Armin," said Haruka as the three of them sat down on some stone steps. "They were like… evaporation. I hate evaporation."

"As usual, Haruka, you have a good heart but not enough dimension," said Armin affectionately.

" _Who told you about my dementia?_ " hissed Haruka.

"He said 'dimension,' idiot,'" said Mikasa.

"Oh."

Mikasa turned to Armin. "Why were they bullying you again?"

"I tried to explain math to them again and I don't know, they got really mad."

"Oh, Armin."

The three of them looked over to the playground of small children playing with their parents.

"People don't seem to realize how important it is to arm themselves with knowledge," said Armin, "especially when it comes to the outside world."

"But most people don't want to leave," said Mikasa.

"That's because they think the wall will protect them if they stay inside." Armin glanced up at the wall. "But the fact that it's been peaceful for a hundred years does not guarantee the walls won't break today."

"God, Armin, you say that every day."

"I'm just saying!"

It was then that they felt an ear-splitting explosion in the distance, one that caused the ground to toss everyone in the vicinity up about two feet.

"Wha… what was that?"

They got up and ran towards the noise, many other Wall Maria residents following suit. And what they saw made them stand still and hold their breaths. Haruka was very good at holding his breath.

"That… that's a Titan!" said Armin, starting to tremble in fright. "How could it be? That wall is 50 meters tall!" (He knew because he had counted.)

The Titan was indeed an aberrant one, much bigger than the others. Strangely, it seemed to lack any skin, making its muscle and bones eerily visible. It reminded Haruka of those see-through fish he had heard about from Armin.

Without warning, the titanic Titan kicked a hole through the gated wall and sent huge chunks of wall flying everywhere.

"STOP PUTTING HOLES IN MY UNFINISHED POOL!" shouted Haruka.

"Haruka!" Mikasa was white with fear. "That debris landed where our house is!"

"Oh no!"

They ran back to their house, leaving Armin to wet himself.

* * *

 

"Come on!" Haruka valiantly attempted to move a large wooden beam that was eight times his weight. "Mikasa, help me move this!"

"Um, Haruka?" Mikasa stared at him. "That's the neighbor's house."

"…Oh."

"It's not even damaged."

"I can't think straight right now, Mikasa!"

He swiftly moved to her side.

"Haruka, take Mikasa and go!" said his mother, trapped under the rubble of her house.

"I'm not leaving you!" he tried wrenching out a big piece of wood in vain. "Come on, Mom, just swim out of there!"

Despite the pain in her shattered legs, Carla found the strength to slap him.

"Don't worry, I've come to save the day!" shouted a family friend called Hannes, running in their direction.

"Here look!" Haruka turned to his mother. "Hannes is here! He's a professional, we'll all be saved!"

Hannes ran towards the Titan, got a good look at its face, said "Nope," and made a clean 180 degree turn the other way. He grabbed the children and ran for it.

"What are you doing!" Haruka punched his back. "You forgot to save my mom!"

"It's too late for her!"

Haruka and Mikasa watched in horror as a grinning Titan that kind of looked like Steven Tyler made its way to the shattered remains of the Jaeger house. It dug up Carla and picked her up as if she were a small doll.

"NOOO!" screamed Haruka as he witnessed the Titan break his still-breathing mother in half. "MOOOOOM!" The Titan's fixed smile seemed to widen sadistically as it threw Carla in its mouth and crunched down on her.

She was gone.

Haruka finally pulled his gaze away and sobbed. "SHE WAS MY FIRST POOL!" he wept. " _She was my first pool_."

Hannes ran to a far enough point and put down the traumatized children to compose themselves.

"I'm so sorry, Haruka," panted Hannes, catching his breath. "I'm so sorry I couldn't save your mother. I guess that means you're the protagonist now."

"ARRRGGGHHH KILL TITANS!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy I hope I put enough swimming jokes in this.


	2. WÜTEND DEUTSCH WORTEN SCHRIE AUF IHR GESICHT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Training for the 104 Squad commences!

_Over a hundred years ago, the Titans appeared out of nowhere and nearly wiped humanity off the face the planet._

_There are many theories about what they are and where they came from. Some say they came from the ground to reclaim the surface. Others say they are the undead victims of the injustices of past societies. Some religious folk believe they were created to punish humanity for its sins. Many believe they are simply demons without a purpose. A crazy man called Bob once said that Titans are statues come to life after fairy dust was sprinkled all over them. He was promptly executed._

* * *

"Hurry! Shut the gate!"

Many men and women of the Garrison Guard ran in a directionless panic. Others stood paralyzed in fear and staring at the Titans they never thought they would ever see in their lifetimes. Only but a precious few stood grounded.

"Get the cannons ready!" shouted their captain. "They're going to breach the inner walls of Maria!"

"That's what he said!" shouted one of the soldiers as he ran past him in the chaos. The captain made a mental note to have that one executed if he somehow lived through this.

Without warning and against all reason, another aberrant Titan ran through the gate, making a Looney Tunes-style, Titan-shaped hole in the wall behind it. It would have been hilarious had it not been such a devastating blow to humanity.

Unlike the skinless one, this one appeared to be covered in white, bone-like armor.

A very lucky handful of people watched all of this in horror as their boat crossed the canal to the safety of Wall Rose. Armin had tears in his eyes, whereas Mikasa's face was unreadable beneath her scarf save for a slight frown. Haruka looked at the armored Titan and was reminded of sea turtles. He then wondered if all Titans, like him, were secretly marine life.

"Haruka," breathed Mikasa, "I don't understand why you made us all jump into the canal."

"The boat was overcrowded," said Haruka, doing some laps between the two banks.

"No. There was plenty of room," said Armin, struggling to stay afloat and clinging to Mikasa.

"No there wasn't shut up you just can't count."

Telling Armin he couldn't count was just about the worst insult he could receive and he was deeply hurt. Especially since he could tell you exactly how many stars were in the sky at any given point of the night. Then again it was the sort of useless talent one develops when one lives their whole life inside a circle of wall. But I digress.

* * *

The year was 847, and Mikasa and Haruka were finally of age to join the military. Armin was not, but Haruka lied about his age and signed him up anyway. "You're welcome," he had said.

Mikasa clearly remembered the day they decided to join. It was a few days or a year or whatever after Wall Maria fell and the three of them found themselves living off of one loaf of bread a day while working the fields. Haruka had experienced a nasty shock about his new life in Wall Rose from their overseer at the time.

Due to Wall Rose not having the space of Maria or the wealth of Sina, it did not have any pools. Needless to say, Haruka punched Armin, threw up, and then fell into a deep depression upon hearing this news. In fact, later that day, he alone tried to reclaim Wall Maria. It did not end well when Armin's grandfather went to rescue him and died in the process.

"We're joining the military police," he had said, Armin holding a raw steak to his eye and giving him a glare with the unbruised part of his face while Mikasa abysmally filled a make-shift kiddie pool with a hose. "I heard they have indoor pools in Sina. And rooftop pools. And pools shaped like kidneys. And pools that are small and heated. And even vast pools that they use for relaxing the premium pure-bred cattle that they eat every day for lunch. And they're all filled with water. That's the best part of a pool."

"That's the _only_ part of a pool," said Armin irritably.

"But I thought you wanted to join the Survey Corps and see the world," said Mikasa.

"Are you crazy? _There are Titans out there_."

And that was that.

* * *

"If I need to elevate three feet off the ground," muttered the bespectacled, blue-haired trainee that was being strapped into the suspension wires for basic position control training, "I need to exert an equal amount of balance to all points of my body. I must look beautiful doing it too, otherwise it's all for naught."

"That guy's a freak," said Thomas, another new recruit. Behind him, Mikasa had to hold back Haruka from attempting to sniff the bleached hair of a young man named Jean.

"Are you ready?" asked their instructor, Keith Shardis.

"The straps are each angled at 35 degrees," continued Rei, "each can support about 30 lb. of pressure and-ARGH!" he immediately flipped upside-down upon being lifted, his face smacking the ground.

"Another winner," said Shardis.

"I can do it, sir!" pleaded Rei, the blood pouring down from his grazed forehead. "It doesn't matter if I'm upside-down when I maneuver, does it?"

"It would if we weren't desperate for recruits because of our abysmal battle survival rate," muttered Shardis. "Next!"

It was Haruka's turn. Everyone stared in shock as he suddenly stripped down to his swimsuit. It was not easy removing the layered uniform and belts so quickly, but he had practiced all night.

"What," said Shardis flatly, "are you doing."

"I swim only in my swimsuit."

"You keep a _swimsuit_ under your uniform?"

"Yes, sir."

He turned beet-red with rage. " _This isn't swimming, you moron!_ "

"Maneuvering through the air in three dimensions is almost like swimming through the buildings," responded Haruka with a straight face. It was not quite the mass flooding he had always wished for, but it was close enough.

Shardis could not even begin to fathom how to explain the ways in which using the three-dimensional gear while being half-naked was extremely hazardous.

"Son, if you value your nipples, either put your clothes back on or go back to your lodgings."

Haruka left.

* * *

"You're a refugee from Wall Maria, right?"

"Is it true that you saw the Titans?"

"Are they really as big as they say they are?"

The other recruits gathered around Haruka, fascinated by what stories he could tell. It was too bad that he had his face inside the stew bowl. Armin sat nearby, looking eager for their curious questions as well, but he might as well have been a coatrack.

"Is… is Jaeger trying to kill himself?" asked a kid named Marco.

"No," said Mikasa, not looking away from her own food.

"But… his face is completely submerged…"

"Don't worry about him. He can hold his breath for a long time."

"…Okay, but he's getting his bandages soaked in stew."

The one named Rei took a closer look at Haruka. "Why does he have gauze around his head too? He wasn't even strapped to the wires today."

"He tried to carve himself a blowhole in his forehead last night," said Mikasa. "Again."

Haruka emerged from the bowl. "I would have managed it, too, but you won't let me have the drill."

"…"

"I'll find the drill-"

"You won't find the drill."

"This isn't fair! I hate everything!"

"We need to talk about your lack of cooperation," said Armin seriously. "If you keep doing things like stripping off your uniforms and swimming through the horse troughs, they'll kick you out of training! You know perfectly well what happens to refugees who are kicked out of training!"

Indeed, if Haruka could not perform basic training, he would be sent to a cramped sweatshop in the slums at the edge of Wall Rose to work eighteen hours a day making scented candles for people in Sina. And he would surely drag Mikasa and Armin along with him.

"Don't be ridiculous, Armin. You're just jealous because I got a higher score on the IQ test than you."

Armin turned red. "The hell you did! You switched our answer sheets!"

At a table nearby, Jean could not help but stare at Mikasa.

"Connie," he whispered, "I think I like that hot chick over there."

"Who? Mikasa?" Connie looked around. "You just like her because she stopped that weird swimsuit guy from tearing out your hair."

"Nuh-uh!"

"If you ask me, you're better suited to Ymir."

They both looked at Ymir on the other side of the cabin. Her table was currently cheering her on as she stuffed her cheeks with whole apples on a dare.

"I don't think she's even human," said Jean.

"Neither is Mikasa, when you think about it."

Indeed, Mikasa decided she had had enough of Haruka and Armin's nonsense for the night. She walked out of the cabin carrying one of them under each arm, kicking and screaming.

* * *

The recruits were given hand-to-hand combat training some time later.

"This is stupid," said Haruka, upside-down with his behind in the air and knees in his face after being thrown by Annie for the eighteenth time. "I killed three people. I don't need this. No one needs this. Seriously when would we need this?"

Nearby, someone robbed Armin.

"Quit whining," Reiner helped Haruka up. He leaned in close to whisper. "You'll never beat her like that. She's too good. What you have to do is resort to insulting her gender. It'll throw her off and make her lose focus, then you swoop in for the attack. Trust me on this."

As far as Haruka was concerned, there were only two genders; people and water. But he gave it a shot anyway. He walked up to Annie and cleared his throat.

"Annie," he said, "you belong in the kitchen."

"But it's not my turn to be on kitchen duty," replied Annie.

"Oh."

"…"

"I'm sorry to bother you then." He walked away.

Annie smirked ever so slightly. "Hey, Jaeger." He turned. She took out her water flask, unscrewed the cap, and emptied the contents onto the dusty ground beneath her.

Without warning, Haruka charged at her. She sidestepped him and then used his momentum to throw him at Reiner.

"ARGH! Haruka, you idiot!" Reiner pushed him off.

"Was she flirting with me?" asked Haruka, getting up and brushing the dust off himself. To think that a being composed of 70% water might actually be attracted to him.

"I highly doubt it."

"What makes you say that?"

"She just flipped you the bird as she walked away."

"Oh." _That won't do at all_ , thought Haruka. He could never respond to someone who flipped him anything other than the fish.

Mikasa walked over to them. "Are you okay, Haruka?"

"Yes."

"Did she hurt you?"

"Don't worry, Mikasa, I'm fine."

"Did she touch you?"

"No, Mikasa, no one touched me."

"Because if she did I'll cut her face."

"Mikasa I really don't want you in jail again-"

" _Show me where the bitch touched you_."

"Where did you two say you were from again?" asked Reiner, puzzled by their odd relationship and not wanting anything to escalate.

"Shiganshina," said Haruka.

"Ah, Shiganshina. I myself lived in a village in southeast Maria but I went to Shiganshina on vacation once. Lovely architecture."

"All the architecture in Wall Maria is the same."

"I don't know if you've noticed, but we don't have a wide range of tourist destinations."

"Fair point."

Mikasa looked at Reiner and then at Haruka.

"Did he touch you?"

"Stop it."

* * *

Training inside the forest with the three-dimensional gear proved particularly harsh. However, it gave the instructors excellent opportunity to observe their trainees in action, test their aptitudes, and build their profiles. It was also to establish the characters to make it especially painful for readers if some of them should die later in the story. ATTACK ON TITAN DESU.

_Reiner Braun_ , observed Shardis. _Noble_ _soldier with a solid constitution_ _. A trusted comrade to all. He also possesses incredible agility and strength. I'm going to ask him to help me move out of my apartment later next week.  
_

_Annie Leonhardt. She is precise with her blows, but is the solitary type and does not do well with teams. I noticed this earlier when she was playing Solitaire by herself._

_Bertholdtdl Hoover. Great potential and hand-to-hand combat skills, but his self-confidence is lacking. I hope he is among the first to die so I won't have to properly learn his name._

_Haruka Jaeger. No particular talent. He is somewhat skilled at maneuvering, but not too bright at all. Has problems with authority and teamwork. He insists on doing what he calls "freestyle" maneuvers that he makes up and refuses to stay in formation._

_Sasha Braus. Human vacuum. Lightning fast and intuitive with the three dimensional gear, yet I feel she is a liability. I caught her stealing cheese from the mouse traps the other day. Her tongue is still bandaged._

_Connie Springer. Good balance, especially good at turning, but not very motivated. Despite choosing to join training, he is extremely lazy and is convinced that the Military Police work only three hours a day. It's really more like three and a half hours._

_Mikasa Ackerman. A perfect soldier. Unprecedented genius in strategy who excels in the most difficult of courses. Strangely overprotective of Jaeger, and I worry it will lead to her downfall. Two days ago he tripped and scraped his knee and she cried for thirty minutes straight._

_Marco Bodt. Idealist, the others like him. Seems to be a genuine soldier. It is a terrible shame that they do not allow anyone with freckles into the Military Police._

_Armin Arlert. His soft body and weak bones will make excellent Titan fodder. He will be among the first wave should we experience another attack._

_Jean Kirschtein. Highly skilled at the three dimensional maneuvering and is quite assertive. But prone to rash behavior and conflicts. Also has a nasty habit of exposing himself to people who question his hair color._

_Rei Ryugazaki. Highly intelligent, but he wastes his calculating efforts on his looks. He maneuvers upside-down, which, far from being graceful, will certainly lead to motion sickness. We can't afford to waste that food.  
_

_Krista Renz. Not very skilled, but highly liked among her teammates. Very mysterious. Some of the others think she is a deity. One of the superior officers found a shrine to her in one of the bathroom stalls in the communal toilets. We will have to monitor the situation with her._

_Ymir. Another girl with a mysterious past. Efficient with the blades and focused. However, she is verbally abusive and quite selfish. Last week she made Reiner cry for thirty minutes straight._

_Several unnamed recruits. I have a bad feeling that things won't end well for them._

* * *

It was graduation day.

The members of the 104th training squad gathered on the top of Wall Rose to gaze down upon the Trost District, glowing with pride and a new hope.

"Well guys, we made it," said Connie.

Haruka felt happier than usual. He felt so happy he even thought about smiling.

Even Armin and Rei made it through all three years of training. Though that wasn't saying much, considering the army's desperation for higher numbers of soldiers. In fact, two members of the 104th training squad were just scarecrows in uniform with carved melons for heads. Their names were Elliot and George.

Sasha walked up to her teammates with a cart full of meat. "We should celebrate by eating Mr. Jollies."

"Did… did you kill your horse, Sasha?" asked Connie.

"Yes. Was I not allowed to?"

"Oh, Sasha." And everyone laughed sitcom-style.

"I have a good feeling about the future," said Haruka, elated. "I bet the next time we see that ugly Titan, we'll take him down and teach him a lesson for breaking Wall Maria!"

Everyone stared at him, eyes wide with horror.

"He's... right behind me, isn't he?" 


	3. SALZWASSER FLIESST DURCH MEINE ADERN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Titans attack again! Will anyone get killed? Probably.

_"What are you doing?!"_

Haruka could not recall it very well. It was some forgotten memory that would sometimes fade in and out, like the moonlight on a cloudy night. During his training years, when he could not sleep, he would look up at the ceiling and attempt to find meaning in this shattered memory that might help him come to terms with himself.

_"Haruka!"_

_"Father?!"_

_"Give me your arm!"  
_

_"What are you doing?! Stop!"_

_The sound of the dead leaves beneath them punctuated the otherwise tranquil forest._

" _Haruka! How many times must I tell you?!" Dr. Jaeger tried prying his son's arm away from him._

" _Leave me alone-!"_

" _Do NOT go into my medical bag and inject yourself with random syringes from it! They're highly experimental!"_

" _I WANT TO BECOME LIQUID!"_

_Haruka stabbed himself with the syringe before his father could stop him._

* * *

"Oh god it's happening again!" screamed a seasoned soldier.

The panicked recruits were reflected in the cold, cruel eyes of the colossal Titan. It lifted its gigantic foot; just like five years ago, it kicked a large hole in the gate and sent huge pieces of debris flying everywhere.

"Switch to your three-dimensional gear!" shouted another older soldier to the frightened recruits. "Everyone spread out! Warn the Garrison Guards! Evacuate the citizens! Alert the King! Shut off all the ovens!"

Haruka immediately targeted the colossal Titan. If he could kill it now, perhaps the government would forgive him for getting stuck in the irrigation pipes last year and allow him to join the Military Police (despite the resulting widespread crop death followed by famine in some southern villages of Wall Rose. People died.)

He launched himself magnificently at the enormous, man-like creature. "I'll get you this time! No more breaking pools for you!" He speared it with his gear, swung around a slow hit from its massive arm, charged at the neck and then… nothing.

"Huh?" Haruka found himself falling. The Titan had disappeared in a cloud of steam.

"What… it's like… it's like he evaporated!" Haruka maneuvered up over the wall and landed near Armin on a rooftop before suddenly giving way to a paralyzing fear.

"Armin could I- could I evaporate? Could that happen to me?!"

"No, Haruka, I've already told you. You can't evaporate."

"But I'm mostly water!"

"You're not a puddle in an open field, Haruka, you're fine!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"You promise?"

"Yes."

"… Okay."

Armin knew full-well that people could not evaporate, after all. Heavens knew he tried to do it so many times throughout his life. Especially a few weeks ago when the other recruits found out his parents raised him as a girl for five years before they realized their mistake.

"Haruka! Armin!" Thomas and some other recruits made their way over to them.

"The rear guard is evacuating people," said a recruit named Mina. "It's up to us to contain the damage here!"

"Right!" Thomas turned to Haruka. "You're not the only one who wants to be in the Military Police, Haruka! Let's make a contest out of killing Titans!"

"I told you guys, I only maneuver free-style."

"Whatever, dude, just try to keep up with us!"

"Yeah!" Mina high-fived him.

Thomas then noticed something glittering on the ground far beneath them.

"Oooh is that a penny?"

"Thomas- NO!"

Thomas hopped down the middle of some buildings and was immediately eaten by the rare and elusive Jumping Titan.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Haruka was furious. He had been very fond of Thomas. Especially since Thomas had once spat in his face (Haruka had taken it as a compliment).

He free-styled his way on over to the aberrant Jumping Titan, his blood boiling with fury. "You'll pay for what you did to Thomas!" Full of rage, he was careless and did not see the smaller Titan right below him. In an instant of searing pain, his left leg was severed; Haruka crashed into the rooftops and spun out of control, sending shingles and blood droplets flying everywhere before slowing down to a stop.

"Ow… I wish I didn't… step in that… bucket of hot sauce… this morning…" he breathed, slowly bleeding to death.

* * *

"Welp, Thomas and Haruka are out," said another recruit, Nack. "I can't believe someone actually died before you, Armin."

Armin made unintelligible noises. He was surprised, too.

"We'd better get moving," said Mina. "Before we all turn into Titan crap."

Even in the horrifying aftermath of what he had just witness not ten seconds ago, Armin could not stand for the atrocity of misinformation.

"Actually," he said, "Titans don't have the digestive capabilities to-"

"Armin, if we wanted to learn things, we wouldn't have used all your books for firewood," said Mina.

"We shouldn't just stand here!" said Millius, the recruit next to her. "Let's move!"

"Yeah!" Everyone jumped off the rooftops (except for Armin, who returned to being numb with terror now that he remembered the loss of his books as well).

* * *

The sight of their struggle was quite horrifying; Millius and Nack were crushed to death, while Mina was eaten alive. Before long, the entire District of Trost was showered in blood and limbs, many broken blades and mangled gear littering the streets.

And Armin could only sit there, watching the scene before him unfolding like a bad dream. But he wasn't in his boxers, so it obviously wasn't a dream.

"Why… why am I just sitting here… watching people die?" He barely noticed the Titan creeping behind him. It picked him up by the scruff of his neck.

Haruka watched from the rooftop he was splayed across while Armin was slowly levitated, the Titan hovering him over its open mouth.

"Don't… don't eat Armin…" he rasped, as though the Titan would hear his feeble voice. "He'll… he'll make you sick… trust me…" he tried to move but he immediately collapsed. "This would be so much… easier if I were underwater and didn't… weigh so much… Ah, forget it… I'll just lie here and die…"

It was then that Haruka had a curious flashback…

* * *

" _Haruka! Over here!"_

" _Huh?"_

_Haruka pulled his gaze away from the mop bucket he was staring longingly at and saw Armin running towards him with a large object._

" _What's that?"_

" _My grandpa had it hidden! It's a book!"_

_Haruka immediately lost interest. Books were of no use to him. You couldn't read a book underwater, after all._

" _It's not like other books. It's a book about the outside!"_

" _And I should care because…?"_

" _Look!"_

_He threw open the book._

" _This should interest you… Look at all these waters!"_

" _What?"_

" _Look! There is such a thing as water made of fire!"_

" _Water… made of fire?" Haruka felt emotion at this._

" _Yes! And these frozen lands completely made of ice!"_

" _Ice?"_

_Haruka had heard about this "ice" stuff once before. It was supposedly unusually thick water. It must have made for an exhilarating swim._

" _Yeah! And also-" Armin turned the page to show a picture of a circle. The circle was mostly blue with some green splotches. "See that? That's the world!_ Our _world! It's covered in over 75% water!"_

_Haruka came._

* * *

Haruka slammed his fist into the broken shingles and lifted himself up once more, the seeping blood from his forehead almost blinding him. He had no choice; he would have to save Armin, because unlike him, Armin could read. And unlike many other people who could read, Armin was one of the only two people in Haruka's life who could tolerate him for longer than thirty seconds for some reason.

* * *

As Armin slid down the disgusting, slimy tongue, he could not help but feel a sudden rush of regrets.

_I never saw the outside world…_ he thought. _I'll… I'll never see the ocean… or…_ _or ride a triceratops…_

(It should be noted here that, when it came to the outside world, Armin just assumed everything in his books still existed.)

But before he knew it, Haruka was above him, lodging his blade in the Titan's front teeth with one hand and reaching for Armin with the other. The sun beamed behind him as though he were some sort of beacon of hope in a dark, dark world.

"ARMIN!"

"HARUKA!"

Armin reached for his rescuer's extended hand and… Haruka gave him an open-palm shove further back.

"What are you doing?! _Stop pushing me!_ " His legs dangled dangerously at the back of the Titan's throat as he clawed at the tongue for dear life.

"But I thought you wanted to learn anatomy. Is this not what you wanted?"

"HARUKA! MY GOD!"

"Sorry-"

"PULL ME THE FUCK OUT!"

"Okay stop yelling at me."

He pulled Armin out and tossed him out of the mouth and back unto the nearby roof. It was fortunate that Armin weighed so little due to the malnutrition that plagued most of the refugees.

Haruka turned around. "Armin! Grab my hand!"

"I've got you, Haruka! Even though you're an idiot!"

Armin moved his hand forward to grab Haruka, but it was too late; the Titan, feeling it was rude to keep its mouth for so long, shut it down on Haruka's extended arm.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Armin, the arm flying grotesquely from the force. He could not believe what just happened; Haruka was one of the only two people in Armin's life who could tolerate him for longer than thirty seconds for some reason.

* * *

Somewhere near the rear guard and helping citizens evacuate, Mikasa felt an odd sensation. Almost as if, somewhere deep within the inner core of her being, she felt that something had gone horribly, horribly wrong.

"It's probably just gas," she said, shrugging it off.

* * *

The second Titan attack in less than a decade seemed to go underway in a matter of minutes. All along the top of Wall Rose bordering Trost, the Garrison Guard sent attack after attack of cannonball fire. It seemed to have minimal effect on the relentless march of Titans.

"The vanguard is mostly dead," said one of the soldiers who had been a previous instructor, grimly watching across Trost.

"And the new recruits aren't doing very well," said another. Indeed, having never used their gear inside the town, many of the new recruits slammed straight into buildings.

"Why did we train them in the woods?"

Near the front of Trost, Armin still could not bring himself to move, even after his other teammates from the 104th training squad arrived.

"Armin? ARMIN? Hello!?" Connie waved his Armins in front of arms... Uh, arms in front of Armin, but he would not respond.

"Maybe his brain finally short-circuited," said Ymir.

"We don't even know what circuits are," observed Krista quietly.

"Come on, isn't obvious?" said Connie. "Everyone in his squad must have died." He turned to Armin. "Armin, are you okay? How did you survive?"

"He probably got eaten but then spit out because he tastes like knowledge."

"Ymir, don't make me punch you!"

"Don't make me punch _you._ "

"Stop it!" piped Krista. "Look, we're all on edge after seeing all our friends get ki- Ymir, please stop touching my butt."

"Sorry."

"We need to reinforce the front guards, you guys," continues Connie. "Armin, can you get up?"

"Y-yes." He gingerly got to his feet. "I-I'll go back up the rear guard! Sorry to be such a bother!" He left before anyone could stop him.

"Oh Ymir, you hurt his feelings," said Krista.

"I'm sure he's desensitized by now."

He was not.

* * *

As Armin made his way to the rear guard, he couldn't help but think about how cruel the world was. "The strong devour the weak," he muttered out loud to himself. "That's why I always get bullied… that's why Titans eat humans… it's why humans eat chickens…"

He heard someone shouting for help before spotting someone on a rooftop.

"Hannah?"

"HELP!"

He landed to find Hannah vigorously giving CPR to her boyfriend, Franz… only Franz appeared to have had part of his body bitten off from below the waist.

"HE'S NOT BREATHING! HELP ME, ARMIN!"

"Hannah… Hannah it's dangerous, you should-"

" _BUT I CAN'T JUST LEAVE HIM!_ "

Armin nearly broke down. How much longer would he have to endure this living hell?

About a few more chapters or volumes, or possibly probably an entire ten seasons of violent anime, that's how long.

* * *

The military headquarters of Wall Rose was one of the largest buildings in the Trost District. It stood tall, dignified, and covered in naked giants.

The recruits who were fast enough to escape the breached lower floors now sat barricaded by flipped tables and terrified, the sunlight in the large windows being blocked by Titans peering inside for their prey.

"Oh man," said a terrified recruit. "This is it. This is the end."

"We're done for."

"I don't wanna die!"

One of the recruits seemed eerily calm and silent. He took his time fiddling with his shotgun, making sure it was properly loaded and ready for firing. The others could not help but stare at him.

"Yosh, that'll do," he said when he finished.

"And how is that supposed to make any difference?" asked the tearful young woman next to him.

He looked at her, frowning slightly. "I dunno, I could like, shoot one in the eye or something and it would really hurt."

"Jimmy if you knew how to aim you wouldn't have been demoted to gas-filling duty."

"… Fair point."

* * *

Mikasa downed yet another aberrant Titan. _The city's practically crawling with them_ , she thought. She scanned the area near Wall Rose to see if there were more citizens who needed evacuating. She saw a gaggle of confused, frightened people.

"What's going on?" she maneuvered down to see what all the fuss was about.

"Miss- help us!"

"What happened? Why haven't you left yet?"

"The gate! It won't open!"

Mikasa pointed at it. "It's because you're pushing instead of pulling. It says 'Pull'."

"My god, she's right!"

"We're saved!"

"Thank you, Miss!"

They all went through the exit.

"Lemmings," muttered Mikasa. "All of you."

She then saw her superior, Ian, on a nearby rooftop and jumped up to him to receive further instruction. "Excellent work," he said. "Keep that up and you might earn yourself a nice raise!"

"That's good," said Mikasa. "Then I'll be able to afford more than one scarf."

The bells rung. Mikasa turned her head to the direction of the front guard. "The evacuation must be complete then. I'm going to assist the front guard in retreating." She took off. Swinging her way over to the front guard, she had her own flashback…

* * *

" _What does this symbol mean, Mommy?"_

_Mrs. Ackerman took her daughter's bandaged hand in her own. "It comes from generations of mothers in our family, Mikasa. One day you'll pass it onto your children."_

" _Where do children come from?"_

" _Er… ask your father."_

" _Daddy?"_

_Mr. Ackerman turned away from the goose he was cooking to address his daughter. "They, um… er… Storks bring them! Wrapped in cute little blankets."_

_His wife gave him a sweet smile while Mikasa said "Awww!"_

" _Yeah… it's too bad storks went extinct a hundred years ago after the Titan invasion," he said darkly._

"…"

_It was then that they were interrupted by a knock. Mr. Ackerman went to open the door._

" _Yes?"_

" _Sorry to interrupt you, good sir…"_

* * *

_Two hours later, the two men sat in a cabin a few miles away, Mikasa tied up on the floor. A third man walked into the room._

" _Excellent, you got the girl."_

" _Yeah, Boss."_

" _Was there any struggle?"_

" _No, it was pretty easy actually."_

" _How so?"_

" _They had twins and they only wanted one."_

" _I see."_

" _Why did you want us to kidnap her again, Boss?"_

" _The money," he said greedily. "Look at her."_

" _What about her?"_

" _She is…_ kawaii _."_

"… _And?"_

"And _… we can enter her in beauty pageants!"_

" _Beauty pageants?"_

" _Yes! We'll slap some makeup on her, stick her in a frilly dress, teach her some mediocre singing, and buy her heel implants! We'll make hundreds of dollars!"_

" _Whoa, that's genius!" The three men laughed evilly._

_Mikasa struggled against her binding, terrified; she had awful stage fright and did not want to be in any pageants._

_Just then they heard a knock on the door._

" _Who could that be at this hour?"_

" _It's only two in the afternoon, Boss."_

" _Oh, right."_

_The boss opened the door to see a small kid in a swimsuit. He was dripping water everywhere._

" _Excuse me," said Haruka. "I was swimming in the nearby pond, do you have any towels?"_

" _What? Get outta here, kid-!" The boss moved to shove him but then slipped on the water, hitting his head on the floor and_ _instantly_ _dying._

" _BOSS!" One of the kidnappers got up and raced towards him._

" _I'm sorry," said Haruka, "let me mop that up so it won't go to waste-"_

_He picked up a mop and it impaled the kidnapper, killing him instantly._

" _YOU BASTARD!" shouted the last of the kidnappers. Clearly the kid was some kind of evil mastermind. The kidnapper took out a knife and ran towards Haruka… Only to slip and fall on his back as well, the knife flinging out of his hand, spinning in midair, and then landing blade-first into his heart._

_Haruka and Mikasa stared at each other for a bit._

" _You saved me," said Mikasa. "How can I ever thank you?"_

" _You… can find me a towel."_

_And she stayed with him out of pity ever since._

* * *

Mikasa neared the front guard. Jean and some of the others came into view. She looked down sadly. _I was never able to save him from himself. Haruka will always be a waterphile and a registered sex offender._

A few buildings away, the others grew anxious and sensed that something had gone wrong.

"Where's the resupply team?"

"Surely they heard the withdrawal bells?"

"What do we do? How will we get over the wall!?"

"Well great," said Jean. "They've barricaded themselves inside HQ and here we are with barely any gas or blades left."

"Looks like they left us to hang dry," said Bertheldttt.

"And you're no help whatsoever," said Reiner to the recruit next to him.

"Yeah, Franz, we all know you were pretending to be dead," said Connie. "Why can't you just man up and dump her already?"

"You don't know Hannah, man," said Franz. "Last guy who dumped her disappeared off the face of the earth!"

"He was under house arrest for exposing himself, idiot."

"That's what you all think!"

"Franz, he was me," said Jean.

"He was?"

"Yes."

"Seriously, Franz, what a waste of ketchup," added Connie.

"How can you even bend your legs that way?"

"I did ballet in middle school."

"… Ah."

A small, hopeful part of Armin now wondered if maybe Haruka pretended to die as well to avoid him. It wouldn't have been the first time.

"Come on, guys, let's try getting supplies!" said Sasha. "All we need to do is make it inside HQ!"

"What if the 3-4 meter class Titans infested the lower levels?" said Jean. "Face it, we're doomed."

"Can't we just pool our resources and think of something?" Sasha turned to Armin. "Armin, you're smart, right? Can't you think of anything?"

Armin's tears welled up at the word "pool."

"Hey look, it's Mikasa!" said Marco.

"What's going on?" she asked the group after landing on their rooftop. "Where's Haruka and the rest of Squad 34?"

They all looked at Armin in the corner, unable to put into words what happened.

She walked up to him. "Armin, are you hurt? And why are you covered in saliva? Did the other recruits spit all over you again?"

Armin shook as he gathered the courage to tell her. "I'm so sorry, Mikasa… Thomas, Mina, Nack, Millius, and Haruka… they were all killed in the line of duty."

Mikasa did not say anything for the longest time. When she finally spoke up, she hid all emotion from her voice. "And Samuel?"

"Ummmm," said Sasha sheepishly. "I _may_ have accidentally speared him in the foot." Everyone turned to stare at her. "Well I… I saw a bird fly by on the wall and… I was hungry so I jumped to catch it, and… and I didn't mean to jump off the wall but I did and I panicked and so I turned around and speared whatever I could to break my fall and it caught on his foot and… and then he passed out from the pain and had to be escorted out of Trost with the rest of the civilians."

"Sasha… the hell."

"Can you guys just tell him that I saved _him_ from falling off the wall?"

"Let's get back to the real issue here," said Marco. "We need to eliminate the Titans around HQ so that we can resupply and retreat."

"That sounds completely suicidal," said Annie.

"How else will we get back up the wall?" asked another recruit.

"I'm not doing it."

They all protested.

"You guys are a bunch of cowards," said Mikasa. "We either can stand around and die for sure, or we can fight and die probably." And she jumped off the roof.

Inspired by this insipid speech, Jean turned to everyone. "Come on you guys! We can do this! Sloppy Joe's tonight!"

"WOOOT YEAH!"

"SLOPPY JOE'S TONIGHT!"

* * *

All the recruits had left except for one. Jean walked up to him to see what was wrong. "What's the matter, Rei?"

"I just… I don't think I can do it, Jean."

"Why not?"

"Just… look at me!" Rei turned around; he was sporting a special set of three-dimensional gear designed for trainees and young children. It had penguin designs all over it.

"Uh… the penguins are nice."

"It was either penguins or unicorns," said Rei. "And Reiner took the unicorn one."

"I… see."

Rei turned to face Jean once more. "Don't you see, Jean? I can't do it. I can't kill Titans."

"Sure you can-"

"I can't! I tried cutting one on the back of the neck once and I think I only tickled it."

"..."

"I studied all the theories, memorized all the research, and nothing! Why is it so hard?"

"Look, dude, don't think about it so much. Just, I dunno, use your heart."

"I use my heart, but really the increased heart rate for speeding oxygen to my muscles is an involuntary bodily action which I cannot contr-"

"You know what? Just follow me and try not to die."

"Okay."

* * *

Mikasa mercilessly killed Titan after Titan, feeling increasingly unable to control her shaking. When she finally ran out of gas, it was in midair, and she tumbled down onto an awning.

_This must be punishment for all those fart jokes I made against Sasha_ , she thought to herself. She rolled off the awning and landed on her feet, only to see a 15-meter class Titan walking right towards her. Almost against her will, she deduced that outrunning it was not possible. She looked down at the last of her blades, the both of them almost completely worn out. Surely fighting for her life was not even an option at this point?

_You still have Armin,_ said a small voice in her head. She immediately threw away her swords and lay down her body for the Titan.

_Oh well… I've had a good life,_ she thought. _I just hope my violent death doesn't get blood all over my red scarf._

She did not see the other 15-meter class Titan turn the corner behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really, really sorry for all the Armin-bashing. He is in fact my favorite character in the show, so I torment him a lot…
> 
> Also, I bet you're all wondering how Jimmy dies. Stay tuned for the next chapter! *gross laughter*


	4. Ein Mann Schritt in eine Pfütze: Eine Liebesgeschichte.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For full comedic effect, please read this fic line by line. Thank you.

**Chapter 4: Ein Mann Schritt in eine Pfütze: Eine Liebesgeschichte.**

Mikasa's body momentarily hovered above the ground from the sheer force of the other 15-meter Titan's attack; its running start gave its punch enough force to twist the other Titan's head right around. Its feet left huge gashes in the ground (one of them having barely missed her), and Mikasa felt winded for a moment before she could put together what had just happened.

Every instinct told her to run while she had the chance, but she could not move. She watched, breathless, as this aberrant Titan mercilessly attacked the other Titan, stomping it into the ground. Like some other aberrants, this one had a horrifying, lipless set of teeth that extended up its cheeks and almost to its ears. The ears themselves were oddly pointy, like its nose. And further unlike many Titans, it was extremely muscular. Hidden under a mess of dark hair was a pair of green eyes that were sunken like a skull, and an angular face that only sharpened its apparent rage.

It… it was also wearing a swimsuit.

The Rogue Titan stretched its vulgar mouth wide open and screamed a terrible, deafening scream that reverberated into Mikasa's very core; it then continued to pound on its already defeated opponent with its foot, completely ignoring the helpless human form that was Mikasa.

_What…? How can this be?_ Mikasa could not remember the last time she felt an emotion that was not abject horror. _A Titan… turning on its own kind?_

The other Titan lay defeated and disintegrating. The Rogue roared again, flexing its arms and balling its fists.

_It's almost like… It feels like looking at the physical manifestation of humanity's anger…_ thought Mikasa. _Or the physical manifestation of menstruation_ , she added.

"Mikasa!"

Armin came zooming in from behind; he intended to lift her off of the ground and up to a safer area, but her gear alone weighed more than Armin himself and he did not grab her so much as slam right into her.

"Did a bird just fly into me?" she turned around and saw him on the ground. "Oh, Armin, it's you."

"Mikasa!" He hastily got up, rubbing his head. "Are you okay?!"

"Yes, I'm unhurt."

Connie landed near them. "We gotta get out of here, guys! There are two 15-meter classes right near us!"

"No…" said Mikasa. "That Titan…" Connie grabbed her and carried her onto the rooftop, and Armin followed suit.

They watched the Rogue Titan walk up to the other 15-meter one. They had a short screaming match, making Mikasa and the boys cover their ears. Most peculiarly, the Rogue then held up its arms in front of itself in a defensive position, as though it actually knew hand-to-hand combat.

It viciously kicked the other Titan and then punched it, sending its very head flying; it hit the top of a tower, its tongue lolling out grotesquely. The now-headless body collapsed, cracking the cobbled streets beneath it. So powerful was the impact of the attack that the Rogue's arm ended in a stump of torn flesh and shattered bones; however, the hand soon regenerated. The Rogue stomped the remains of this Titan too, taking careful aim at the base of its neck.

"It went for the weak spot!" said Armin.

"Did it do it on purpose?" asked Mikasa.

The Rogue looked down at the rapidly decaying body that lay at its feet. Satisfied, it reached behind itself and fixed a wedgie in its swimsuit before moving on.

"Either way let's get out of here before it eats us," said Connie.

"But it's not even interested in us," said Armin. "Otherwise we'd have been dead already."

"Yeah well I'm not waiting around for it to change its mind." Connie turned his back on the Titan. "Come on… Everyone's waiting for us at Headquarters."

"Mikasa's gas canister is empty, though!" Armin undid his gear and switched his canister with Mikasa's. "I don't have much left, but please use it wisely." Armin prayed it would be enough to keep her safe and going. "I giving you all my blades too, Mikasa. Just do me a favor and let me keep this one. I'd rather avoid getting eaten if I can help it-" she snatched the broken blade from his hands and threw it into an alley below them.

"What was that for!?"

"I was trying to hit that dog over there."

" _What?_ "

"But he moved."

"Guys, focus," said Connie. "And don't worry, Armin, we won't leave you here. I'll carry you." Armin was not quite the petite blond damsel in distress that Connie had envisioned rescuing ever since the Colossal Titan reappeared a few hours ago, but Connie's death might very well come today so he figured he might as well pretend.

"Wait… Mikasa, Connie, I have a crazy idea."

"What is it?"

"What if we use the Rogue Titan?"

"Use a Titan? That's insane!"

"No, listen! What if we draw the other Titans away from it? Then it'll see the ones around Headquarters and attack _them_ instead!"

"They're all ganging up on him, how do we get them to focus on us?"

"We just have to get their attention somehow."

"Connie," said Mikasa, "you're the one with the most gas and blades of all three of us."

Connie balked. "Come on guys, just me alone?!" Mikasa and Armin continued to look at him expectantly. "What the hell do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula!?"

* * *

_Tatata tatatata tata_

"LUAU! If you're hungry for hunk of fat and juicy meat, but you'll settle for measly bit of skinny treat, chew on Armin here, he's all outta cheer, all you gotta do is get in liiiiiine. Are ya achin'?"

"I'm not doing this-"

"For some preyin'?"

"Fuck you for hogtying me-"

"He's a blondie!"

_"Connie-!"_

"He can be a smoothie too! OY!"

The tactic worked; the Titans turned to them with hostile, hungry eyes. Connie cut Armin loose and the two boys ran screaming for their lives.

* * *

More and more Titans congregated around the human-filled Headquarters, the floors inside of said Headquarters slowly becoming drenched in the urine of the cowardly.

Blade shaking in his unsteady hand, Jean and company looked on from the distance with the kind of desolate hopelessness that shipwrecked sailors might stare at the undrinkable water that was the ocean.

_We can't even so much as get close to the building,_ thought Jean. _Not unless we're ready to make some sacrifices…_

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO!"

Jean glanced over to his right to see who was screaming. "What, Tom, what is it?"

"Those Titans over there! They're wrecking the monument honoring the people who died in the last Titan attack!"

"Tom, what are you-" the recruit jumped down before Jean could stop him, and the Titans rounded on him.

Jean froze for five seconds, agonizing over the decision to attempt rescue. In the end, he decided to let go of the monument.

"NOW!" he shouted, making a mad dash. "NOW'S OUR CHANCE WHILE THEY'RE DISTRACTED! MOVE!"

On either side of Jean and behind him, his comrades propelled forward for their lives, dust and ash from all the destroyed houses getting caught in eyes that would not look away from the goal ahead. Every now and again a young man or woman would scream and disappear beneath the rooftops, but no one faltered; if they ran out of gas now it would be over.

* * *

"Almost… there…!"

Jean smashed through a window, then twisted his body around so that he would safely roll across the floor. When he got up and brushed the glass shards off himself, he looked up to see his comrades breaking through the other windows.

"NOOOOOO!"

Jean turned to see who was screaming and spotted other young recruits hiding under some study desks, one of them holding a shotgun.

"Huh?"

"WE JUST CLEANED THOSE WINDOWS!"

"Wha-"

"CAPTAIN LEVI'S GONNA BE SO MAD!"

"But-"

_BANG_

"OH MY GOD!"

"JIMMY!"

"HE FUCKING SHOT HIMSELF!"

_"Will all of you just calm your shit?!"_ Jean did not have the patience for people to freak out on him right now.

"There's no point!" shouted one of the recruits, the tears streaming down his face. "The supplies room is crawling with them! We're all DEAD!"

Choosing to ignore this fact for the time being, Jean turned to Marco. "Marco, how many of us made it?"

"Let's see… Annie, Reiner, Bettrothdl, Sasha, Rei, Franz, Jill, Kenneth, Bart, Lisa, Maggie… Even Elliot and George made it…" Indeed, the two scarecrows lay clumped together in a corner, having just made it before running completely out of gas. "It looks like most of us made it!"

"Great," said Annie. "Now what?"

Jean's mind went blank. He didn't think his plan would actually work this far.

He glimpsed outside, and his doubt turned to dread. Even if any of them had blades or gas left, there were far too many of them…

_What have I done?_ thought Jean. _I've led us all to our deaths. Why do people listen to me?_ _Who put me in charge?_ He had half a mind to quietly slip into a Titan's throat and be done with it already.

"TAKE COVER!" the building shook as one of the Titans forced its face inside the walls.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

"THERE'S TOO MANY OF US IN HERE!"

Two smiling faces peered inside the newly-created hole, eyeing them greedily.

Jean wondered if taking off his gear would make his journey down the esophagus a smooth one.

Just as he began unstrapping, a fist appeared out of the right side of his vision, scrunching the huge faces out of sight. For a moment he was reminded of an accordion.

"What the-"

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGHHHH!"

The wild-haired Titan came into view.

"What _is_ that?…"

Suddenly, the last of the spotless windows shattered and Mikasa, Connie, and Armin appeared.

"We did it, Armin!" said Connie over the sound of another recruit shooting himself in the mouth. "Your strategy saved us and brought the Rogue here!"

"Yeah, I can't believe that worked," said Armin. "But where did those drum sounds come from?"

"You… you're alive!" Jean could have hugged them, but he was far too manly for that.

"Guys!" said Connie, "That Titan over there just attacks other Titans! It isn't interested in us at all!" They watched it flip another Titan over and throw it at some smaller ones.

"We can use it to escape!" added Armin.

"That's insane," said Jean. "And why are you wearing that hula outfit, Connie?"

"No time to explain- we gotta head downstairs!"

* * *

The creaking of the ascending lift only deepened the anxiety of the recruits, all of them dreading the challenge ahead.

"We found them." Jean and a few others carried some dusty wooden boxes from a nearby storage room and set them down.

"Military Police shotguns," said Marco, pulling one out. "These weren't even used." That was not entirely true, actually; they had been used for a brief period in 832 when the Military Police used them to play "Extreme Pin the Tail on the Donkey." The farmers were not happy.

"I'm glad we at least found them," said Jean. "I was tired of finding boxes of Military Police wine bottles."

"What do they need so much wine for?"

"They get assigned wine with their guns."

"Oh."

"Are these even useful against the Titans?" asked Reiner.

"The wine bottles?"

"No, idiot, the guns."

"They're better than nothing," said Armin. "My idea is that some of us go down in the lift and shoot them in the eyes, and then the most skilled recruits jump down from the rafters and kill them while they're blinded."

"That's a great idea!"

"Wait…" Marco frowned at him. "Why does that sound so familiar?"

"Huh?"

"Didn't something similar to that happen with some of the guards in charge of the storage units? Was that _you_ , Armin?"

Indeed, Armin had once planned out an incident during training in which he convinced Haruka and Mikasa to get the attention of some guards and then throw dust in their faces while Armin stole cigarettes from the storage units (Armin had a problem at the time).

"What? No, don't be ridiculous-"

"It _was_ you! Gosh, Armin, why didn't you share with us?"

"I- I don't know what you're talking about!"

Everyone stared at him.

"And even if I knew what you were talking about, there weren't enough cigarettes to share with everyone after Mikasa and Haruka got their cut."

After the heist, Mikasa sold her cigarettes for a nice haircut, while Haruka ruined them when he tried to smoke underwater.

"What happens if we miss the Titans' eyes and the others aren't able to kill them?" asked Jill.

Armin thought back to the first time he had formulated the plan. Somehow, he didn't think that "using the orphan card" would work on the Titans.

* * *

"Height: one meter, width: ten centimeters…"

Sasha, Connie, Jean, Mikasa, Annie, Bertlothd, and Reiner made their way downstairs to hide in the rafters, blades at the ready.

"Don't be nervous, Sasha," said Connie. "You'll do fine."

"What are you talking about?" replied Sasha. "I'm trying to remember what my last date was like."

"Why are you thinking about that now?"

"I don't know, I'm anxious."

"Don't be. Just remember their weakness at the neck like we learned during training, you'll be fine."

"Just in case, you can shove this up their ass, too," added Reiner, holding up a large dildo.

"Do you just carry that around with you?" asked Jean.

"He thinks he's hilarious," said Annie.

"We're probably going to die, so what's wrong with a little bit of humor?"

"Nothing, but that isn't very funny."

He made to poke her with the offensive toy, and she sliced it in half with her blade.

"You're just mad because yours got confiscated, Annie."

Annie turned red. "When this is over, you will be dead. By the Titan's hands or mine, you will be dead."

"You say that to me every other day, sheesh."

"I think we should focus on the task ahead," murmured Brethold.

"He's right," said Mikasa. "We're almost there."

Jean turned to Sasha. "Did you say _one meter_ by _ten centimeters_?"

"Penis jokes!" shouted Connie.

* * *

On the lift, the rest of the recruits proceeded with the other part of the plan. Many of them were sweating or shaking.

"Remember everyone," said Armin. "Wait until we have them drawn real close to us for the best chances of hitting them in the face."

"And keep your hands and feet inside at all times."

"Thanks, Rei."

"Safety first."

The ceiling of the lower floor appeared above the handrails, and everyone huddled closer to the middle away from them.

"Don't fire until I give the word," said Marco. Armin swallowed hard. Any moment now, they would be at the mercy of several Titans in a confined space. "Steady… wait until the whole level is visible…" With a sudden jerk and a loud clunking sound, the lift came to a halt and everyone waited.

"Um… where are they?"

The recruits looked and looked, and there were no Titans to be seen.

"What is going on?" asked the one named Kenneth. "The supply team said the place was crawling with them!"

"It's crawling, alright," said Rei. "Look down."

Everyone looked down to see a swarm of cockroaches scuttling all across the floor.

"They must have come in through a busted pipe or something."

"ARE YOU PEOPLE FUCKING SERIOUS?!" Jean jumped off the rafters and ran up the stairs, screaming and fully intent on beating up the supply team. Sasha followed close behind him, screaming even louder because she just hated roaches.

* * *

Having resupplied, the team went back up the stairs with renewed hope for escape. Connie brought an extra gas canister and set of blades for Sasha because she refused to go back downstairs. Even then, Sasha made no attempt to speak to him after he joked that she should "just fart inside the canister."

The recruits took turns jumping out the highest rooftop windows and maneuvering to the safety of Wall Rose. Thanks to the Rogue Titan, their way remained clear of Titans.

Mikasa's turn came, but she spotted something.

"What is it, Mikasa?" asked Armin.

"The Rogue…"

"GRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

The Rogue Titan found itself cornered against a building by six or seven Titans of various sizes, all of them tearing large chunks off its body with their teeth. Steam billowed from wounds that were not healing, and its chest was torn open, exposing a rib cage large enough to hold all of Armin's unfulfilled dreams.

"It's dying," said Mikasa.

"Cannibalism…" muttered Armin in disgusted awe. "And you're right, it's not regenerating."

By now some of the others stepped out of the window to gaze at the Rogue's plight. Reiner's frown deepened as he noticed something. "Is that Sasha down there?"

"Sasha!" shouted Armin with his hands cupped around his mouth. "What are you doing?!"

"I wanfed to fee what it fastes life!" shouted Sasha with her mouth full of Titan flesh.

"What does it taste like?" shouted Annie.

"Mafferel!"

"Goddammit." Connie went down to retrieve her.

"If we could study that Titan," said Mikasa, "we might somehow find a way of defeating the Titans for good."

"I agree," said Reiner. "We can't let it get devoured. Let's kill the Titans surrounding it!"

"Are you crazy?" exclaimed Jean. "We've barely stuck our necks out of the water! And you want to fight more Titans?"

"Mikasa's right," said Annie. "Knowledge about that Titan could prove more powerful a weapon than any sword or cannon."

"For all we know it could save us again," said Mikasa.

"Are you for real?" Jean would not entertain the idea. "Do you honestly intend to make that thing an ally?"

"It would make the Military Police totally jealous of us," added Franz. "Their mascot is just a horse with a horn glued to its head. So lame."

"Wait," said Reiner, "the horn's fake?"

Rei pointed at something in the distance. "Isn't that the Titan that ate Thomas?"

"It is!"

"RRRAAAAAARRGHHHHH!" The Rogue suddenly broke free. It ran to the Jumping Titan, its arms gone and ribs more exposed than ever. When it reached the Jumper it spat in its face and then bit its neck before lifting it above its head with its teeth, cracking more exposed ribs under the added weight. The Rogue then hurled its victim at the remaining Titans before collapsing, face-first, with one final roar.

"Oh look it hit that dog," said Mikasa.

"So much for that," said Jean. He turned to run back home, but no one moved and he turned back to see them all gaping, wide-eyed, at the Rogue's body. "What is it? What are you guys staring at?"

Amidst the steam, something emerged from the nape of its neck.

"What _is_ that?"

"Is that a parasite?" asked Connie. "Do they get infected with parasites?"

When the steam cleared up a little bit, it became apparent that the figure was none other than Haruka Jaeger.

"It is a parasite," said Jean.

Mikasa leaped off the roof and ran to the fallen Titan.

_No… it can't be…_

She reached the blackening remains and climbed up to where Haruka was.

"… Haruka?"

She caught him as he fell forward, and she marveled at how alive and warm he felt. She lowered her head to listen for his heartbeat, just to make sure, and then hugged him tightly and cried.

" _Haruka! It's really you!_ "

She tried pulling him up, but was met with a strange resistance; it felt as though Haruka's body were somehow fused to the gooey flesh on the back of the Titan's neck. She took out one of her blades to cut him loose, but could not tell where Haruka ended and the Titan began.

"Wha… what happened to you?"

"Did… did it finally happen, Mikasa?" he mumbled, his voice barely audible. "Did I melt?"

* * *

**_INFORMATION WE CAN SHARE SO FAR_ **

_The three-dimensional maneuver gear and specialized blades were originally invented for landscapers inside Wall Sina to shear and design particularly large shrubberies._


	5. ALLES IST GRÖSSER IN TEXAS

It was nothing more than pure bad luck that the Survey Corps was out on an expedition mission in the Wall Maria ruins when Wall Rose found itself under attack.

They fought valiantly against the Titans to scout the area, unaware of the chaos happening miles behind. Once a part of their already dwindled home, Wall Maria was nothing more than Titan territory now, an insignificant bit of land in a world dominated by them. The only difference was the houses and streets that still showed signs of recent civilization. Commander Erwin Smith himself was sure that, if he looked hard enough, he would still find many houses perfectly intact, as though the owners were simply gone on holiday.

Looking around at the Titans surrounding his men and women, Erwin sighed. This mission, like all the others, would turn out to be another failure.

"We've gone far enough, soldiers!" he shouted. "Retreat back to Wall Rose! Standard formation!"

"God dang it." The Lance Corporal lightly landed atop a rooftop and wiped the Titan blood from his blade. His trusty bespectacled colleague landed near him, having just downed a particularly nasty 15-meter class Titan.

"Did you see that one that I just killed?" she said happily. "It looked like it had a perfectly trimmed moustache! I have to write this down." She pulled out a worn notebook from her green cloak.

"You would think that someone with well-trimmed facial hair would have some manners. Boy I tell ya what." Corporal Hank Hill removed his glasses from his face and wiped them on his cravat.

Peggy turned to him. "Now Hank, don't be a spoil-sport. Every lesson we learn brings us closer to winning against those pesky Titans." She too took off her glasses to wipe them, delicately removing the eyewear strap from around her beehive hairdo.

Hank scratched the back of his head. "I suppose you're right." He started fidgeting with the gas canister, making sure the pressure exerted from his gear was exactly calibrated.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!"

"Hank! One of them's got a soldier!"

Hank sighed. "Alright, I got it." He reset his canister and jumped off the roof.

Despite his beer gut and awkward, paunchy chinlessness, Hank Hill moved with the grace of a wispy ballerina, effortlessly controlling his maneuver gear as though the wires were extensions of his very being. He shot across several streets and took out the Titan in a flash of blades and blood.

Hank Hill truly was Humanity's Strongest Soldier.

He landed on a rooftop, and clicked his teeth in annoyance at the thought of having to oil his gear after having used it so much today. Maintenance was key, after all.

"You did it, Hank!" Peggy caught the soldier and landed on the ground.

"Two more up ahead," Hank said to himself, eyes scanning the horizon. He leapt off the roof and headed for them, zooming around a tower to catch them from behind, then spinning in the air to make a clean cut on one, and then swinging around to get the other. His aiming was impeccable.

"He didn't make it," said Peggy, looking up at her husband with watery eyes when he landed near her and the fallen soldier.

"Well, that's disappointing," he said, covered in blood that was giving off steam. He held out a hand and helped her up.

"Oh Hank, why do they eat us?"

"The eating of humanity I can handle," he said. "What really bothers me is their… _nudity_." He whispered the word as though it were an expletive and shuddered. "Every day of doing this is a struggle."

"Don't fret, Hank. We keep moving forward and maybe someday we'll avenge Bobby."

"I always told that boy to put down those dang books and play some football. No wonder he couldn't outrun them Titans. Boy I tell ya what."

"He got his love of books from me," said Peggy proudly.

Hank chuckled. "He sure did, Peggy. Now, why don't we let the Commander ride ahead while I fix up some of these roof tiles? They've been driving me up the wall. Er, so to speak."

"Oh, Hank." He put his arm around her waist and embraced her just as a gust of wind blew through the ruins. Dust and torn pieces of fabric whirled around them, their cloaks whipping about. There they stood husband and wife, beacons of hope in these ruined lands beyond the Wall.

"I love you, Hank."

"Yep."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS NOT A REAL CHAPTER
> 
> I REPEAT
> 
> THIS IS NOT A REAL CHAPTER
> 
> PLEASE DISREGARD AND CLICK THE "NEXT" BUTTON.
> 
> No but seriously could you imagine?


	6. Training Days Omake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A flashback to the training days! I'm sure nothing embarrassing will happen to anyone.

"This is really exciting!" Armin was almost beside himself with joy. "To think we get to be in classes again!"

"Yeah," said Haruka. "Great." He had never been too fond of school. In his youth he often got into trouble for giving himself swirlies.

The 104th trainee squad sat at some lunch tables outside their academic hall, relaxing a bit before their first class. Jean was currently carving his initials into their table, flicking away the dead leaves and wanting class to start already because he hated the outdoors. Sasha was in a nearby tree with her head inside a beehive because she had forgotten her breakfast.

"Why are you taking History?" asked Connie, who sat near Armin and stole a glance at his class schedule. "You literally learn nothing in that class. It's a waste." Indeed the teacher himself would be surprised to see a student there.

"Armin's taking all the lessons," said Mikasa. "He loves learning just as much as Haruka loves pools."

Somehow, Jean doubted that. At least Armin didn't strip at the mere thought of good grades the way Haruka was stripping right now after hearing the word "pools."

"No, Jaeger," said Jean, annoyed. "False alarm."

Haruka huffed in frustration and, to Jean's relief, pulled his pants back on.

Jean took another look at his class schedule and frowned.

"What is this even… I understand Basic Titan Anatomy 101, Theory of Titan Origin, Gear Maintenance, heck I even understand Blood Removal… but for the life of me I do not understand why Poetry and Prose is a required course."

"What kind of soldier doesn't want to be a man of letters?" asked Reiner, affronted at Jean's inquiry.

"How does that help us kill Titans?!"

"It helps you become a _man._ "

"I for one am looking forward to that class," said Ymir. "I heard the teacher's hot."

"Do you even know how to write?" joked Connie.

"To what?"

They all stared at her.

"You know… to write."

"You mean that dumb thing where you scratch those symbols on paper with black liquid and they mean stuff?"

"Uh… yeah."

"Psht, that's for losers."

"Ymir, that's a basic standard," said Reiner, concerned. "Did you not go to school as a child?"

"To what?"

"Where do you think we are now?"

"The mall?"

"Wow."

It explained her abysmal graffiti that confused the local officers. She would oftentimes just copy what she saw on various crates and signs. Among her vandalisms across town were the words "GOAT CHEESE," "LILY'S BAKERY," and "EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS."

"Ymir, you're going to be really behind," said Krista.

"Heheh, 'behind.'"

"Please do not sit next to me in class," said Rei. "You'll inhibit my learning."

"What's up with your hair, anyway?" asked Ymir, irritated at him. "How often do you have to dye it to keep it that obnoxious blue color?"

"My hair color is natural!"

"Sure it is," said Jean. "Just like mine."

"I like his color," said Haruka. "It has a horrible consistency, though."

"That's because it's not water," said Rei, "like I told you when you shoved your face in it upon our first meeting and nearly cracked my skull open."

"It teases me."

"Get over it."

"How does it not drip down your face?"

"Do you not understand the basic laws of physics? First of all, hair is not liquid. Second-"

"Rei, shut up," said Ymir, who defied the laws of physics just by showing up today.

"Do you guys think I brought enough notebooks?" Armin had sat going through his school supplies the entire time. His bag bulged with so much stuff that he could not even hold it and had to have Reiner carry it to school that morning. Armin would be dragging his bag across the school corridors by the strap for the entire day.

"What do you need that abacus for?" asked Thomas. "What are we counting?"

"I think it's for counting bodies on the battlefield."

"Ah."

"Oh no, I didn't bring mine," said Marco.

"You don't need it," said Jean, waving away a bee that was buzzing around him. "We don't need any of this stuff. Honestly, it's a waste of time. I wish I could skip this crap."

"What classes are you in?"

"I haven't finished picking yet."

"Jean, you still haven't picked classes? You were supposed to have picked them last week!"

"Urgh, most of them don't appeal to me."

Jean read through the class list for the umpteenth time;

_**104** _ _**TH** _ _**TRAINING YEAR COURSE LIST** _

__(*) INDICATES A REQUIRED COURSE_ _

_Basic Titan Anatomy 101*_

_Three-Dimensional Maneuvering*_

_Theory of Titan Origin*_

_Gear Maintenance*_

_Blade Technique*_

_Poetry and Prose*_

_Blood Removal*_

_Guns and Artillery*_

_Military Strategy_

_History of the Walls_

_Horse Riding_

_Horse Riding While Injured_

_Horse Riding While Escaping Titans_

_Horse Riding While Being Eaten Alive by a Titan_ ("That one's a pass/fail elective," said Armin)

_Horse Whispering_ (Jean had signed up for that one in a heartbeat)

_Three-Dimensional Choreography and Air Gymnastics_ (a popular elective for those wanting more out of their three-dimensional maneuvering)

_First Aid*_

_Second Aid_

_Safe Body Disposal_

_Shrapnel and Other Foreign Object Removal*_ (this one needed its own class outside of First and Second Aid)

_Out-of-Wall Survival_

_Pottery_

_**REQUIRED MATERIALS** _

_Assigned Uniform_

_Assigned Gear_

_Pen and Paper_

_Horse_

_Spare Horse_

_A Shirt of Your Own Choosing_

_**REQUIRED TEXTBOOKS** _

_Are We Delicious? The Titan Enigma_

_Gear Maintenance Manual_

_Military Handbook_

_Administering Medical Attention: When to Give Up_

_A Guide to Horses_

_Book of Weaponry_

_A Collective Record of All We Know About the Titans_ (This was not a textbook so much as a 20-page pamphlet with large font and pictures)

_Advanced Stain Removal: Blood Edition_

_The Comprehensive Works of William Shakespeare_

_Shrapnel and Other Foreign Object Removal_

"Can you take Second Aid if you haven't taken First Aid?" asked Connie.

"I don't think so."

"Is Horse Riding a pre-requisite to Horse Whispering?" asked Jean.

"I think Horse Riding is a requirement," said Connie.

"No, that's only if you want to join the Recon Corps," said Reiner.

"Oh."

"Um…" Berdholt looked up from his own class schedule. "Is anyone else taking Three-Dimensional Choreography and Air Gymnastics?"

"No," said Jean. "The teacher of that class uses fire to motivate people."

Bertdhotl looked positively worried.

"Don't worry," said Annie. "It's a controlled fire."

The bee from earlier landed on Haruka's nose; he punched himself in the face and toppled over backwards.

"I am not going to help you because if I do you won't learn," said Mikasa over her shoulder.

"That's the first bell," said Jean dully. "Let's head for class."

* * *

The teenagers shuffled into their first class awkwardly, making sure to sit by friends and avoid the front row of desks like the plague. Ymir purposely sought out and sat next to Rei so that she could dedicate the next ninety minutes to doodling male genitalia all over his notes whenever he wasn't looking.

"Welcome to Gear Maintenance," said their teacher, a man with glasses and a stern face. "I am here to instruct you on the proper use of strapping on your gear, utilizing it, and maintaining it before, during, and after battle. On the table in front of me you will find the basic materials you are required to have on your person while on duty."

Everyone glanced at the indicated table.

"You will notice that you must carry with you a substantial amount of necessities as you maneuver above ground. It is for this reason that your instructors will emphasis strength enhancement in your physical training. Each basic set contains the following: blades for killing Titans, handles for your blades, two large cases for extra blades (that will be strapped to your sides), roped spears, belted straps for attaching your equipment and enabling balanced maneuvering, a pen, an expulsion mechanism wired to two gas canisters attached to the blade cases, a lunchbox, a pack of tissues, an extra lunchbox, a blanket (in case it gets cold), a bag of horse feed, a stick of deodorant (you'll be sweating a lot), a little Titan keychain, a sack of small anvils (in case you need to weigh down a tarp), a roof repair kit, a litterbox, granola bars, a light paperback novel, an ice pack, a spare pair of boots, a jar, extra spearheads, a ruler, a harpoon, some dried rice, and an umbrella."

Armin tentatively raised a hand. "Um… Excuse me, teacher?"

"Yes?"

"Doesn't some of this seem highly unnecessary?"

"And what is your name, son?"

"Armin Arlert."

"And who are you to decide what is and isn't necessary to carry around the battlefield?"

"Well I, it's just-"

"Let me tell you something, Arlert. When you're out fighting Titans and watching your comrades die horrendous deaths one by one while you are only able to stand by and do nothing but drown in horrific despair that makes you contemplate taking your own life to preserve some shadow of dignity instead of being eaten alive screaming, and it starts to rain, you'll be glad you have that umbrella."

"…"

"Any other questions?"

There were none.

"Good. Now I need a volunteer to rub me down with oil so that I may demonstrate the proper gear fitting technique."

All the chairs in the classroom grinded backwards a few inches.

* * *

"I for one am glad for the extra stuff the equipment comes with," said Sasha when class was over and she they headed towards their Titan Anatomy class. Mikasa and Krista could barely hear her muffled voice through her swollen, bee-stung face. "Especially the blades because I have like, really hairy legs."

"Sasha, that's not what the blades are for," said Mikasa. "And also, we know. We've all seen them in the showers."

"Armin, what do you think?" asked Krista.

"I am not lugging around all that extra stuff," he said as he wiped oil off his hands with his handkerchief. "I will only carry what I deem is necessary for my duty as a soldier." That was a lie; Armin really could not imagine getting caught in the rain without an umbrella.

"I'm going to the bathroom," said Haruka. "I'll see you in class."

"Okay."

* * *

The group entered their Titan Anatomy class, hoping this one offered more sanity than the last one.

Mikasa usually sat in between Armin and Haruka (because she liked the combined scent of bleach and Johnson & Johnson No More Tears baby shampoo), so she gasped when a certain someone else sat next to her.

" _You!_ "

"Sup, sis?" Rin Ackerman swept his long, magenta bangs out of his face and looked her over. "I see you got fat."

"What are you doing here?!" she felt shocked at seeing him after so many years. "I thought you wanted to be a male model?"

"I still do," he said, flashing his razor-sharp teeth at her. "And what better way to get attention than be the hottest guy in the Military Police, Kou?"

The pencil snapped in her hand.

" _That isn't my name anymore._ "

"Whatever, sis, just don't cramp my style." He ruffled her hair and then got up to sit next to the cool kids in the back. Mikasa hastily flattened her hair straight again, making sure the red roots stayed hidden.

"I hate those cool kids in the back," said Marco, who sat in front of Mikasa and turned around to speak with her. "They're the ones who want to want to be in the Military Police. Can you imagine the streets being protected by those guys?"

"Yeah, I hate them too," said Armin from Mikasa's left. "They threw my notebooks in the mud and then told me the galaxy was geocentric."

"Those bastards!"

"I know… I appreciate your sympathy, Marco."

"No prob, bro."

"Oi, Marco!" Jean called from the back where all the cool kids were sitting. "Come join us!"

Marco looked at Jean, then at Armin, then back at Jean. He took his bag and went to join them.

"I don't like being me," said Armin to himself.

"I like that you're you," said Mikasa. "It means you're not me."

"… Thanks."

Haruka finally came into the classroom and sat at Mikasa's side, his head sopping with water.

"How was your swim?" asked Mikasa.

"It was awful," said Haruka. "The toilets are all full of cigarette butts because people keep smoking in the bathrooms." He pulled one out of his hair. "What a horrendous thing to do to water."

It was for his irrational respect of water that Haruka never used toilets for their actual functions, a fact that led many a city worker to quit their job after being told to clean something very offensive that an officer had found on the street or behind a horse stable.

"Wait… are people allowed to smoke in the bathrooms?" asked Armin.

"Apparently it's normal around here."

"I see. Please excuse me." Armin took a pencil case out of his bag and left.

"We should really intervene about his smoking problem," said Mikasa.

"He's smoking pencils?"

"No moron, he hides cigarettes in his pencil case."

"Oh."

"Good morning, class." The teacher, a short and paunchy man, walked in. "Welcome to Basic Titan Anatomy 101. I would have you dissecting Titans, but as you know, they dissolve upon death." He put down his suitcase and removed his coat. "So instead, I myself will serve as a makeshift model for a Titan." He undid his tie and started unbuttoning his shirt. "I'm not an ideal replica, but it's for learning purposes."

"This is going to be a terrible, terrible three years," said Jean, staring in horrified revulsion along with the rest of his classmates. Across from him, Rei removed his glasses so he would not have to see, and Haruka punched himself in the face again.

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE**

Armin was deprived of his precious nicotine fix due to the bathroom being closed off for cleaning after Haruka murdered the smoking students.

* * *

_**INFORMATION WE CAN SHARE SO FAR** _

_As a child, Ymir's parents did not encourage her literacy because they wanted her to focus on her etiquette lessons for the fiancé they had chosen for her, Nathaniel Bartemus, a young heir to the Wall Sina winery fortune. It was a terrible tragedy when Nathaniel's body was found mangled in his vineyard with two engagement rings shoved down his throat. The official report from the Military Police ruled his death as an accident._

* * *

**CHAPTER EPILOGUE PART TWO**

"I can't believe I'm doing this," said Armin as he looked around the empty hallway before entering the girls' bathroom. Seeing as how the military uniforms were unisex, he got away with smoking in there with some ladies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The teachers came out more depraved than I had originally intended.


End file.
